AGAIN

A friend called to tell me about a recent vacancy at a local college and gave me the details of the contact person. For the Nth time in the 11 months of mothering, I was tempted to go back to work.

I prayed. I consulted with my husband and my parents. I talked it through with my best pals. I considered the pros and cons.

I kept thinking how hard it is to find a decent job these days, needless to say a professional position. I thought of a much-needed vacation, the lack of personal income and how nice it would be to make contribution to the household income and hopefully to take some loads off my DH who is the sole breadwinner now. I even thought it would be fun to get dressed up in suits, heels, and makeup again. On and off, these "pros" consumed me for one full week.

Yet, even with all those pros I could list, it was the childcare realities that tilted the scale. I couldn't bear the thoughts of leaving my daughter with some strangers, probably letting her cry her heart out, for hours day in and day out. Mind you, she gets really bad separation anxiety. And again, if I were to go on a business trip, somehow I suspect I would suffer from the separation anxiety more severely. I could still feel the tightness in my chest when I thought of my niece who came home from child care with bruises on her lip one day and bite-marks on her arms and legs the other day. Just yesterday, there was a shocking news of a 4-month old baby boy died of hemorrhage, possibly as a result of the negligence of the nanny.

Even though I am already rushing around in the morning to get things done before the baby wakes up and staying up late at night struggling to finish the house chores. I can't imagine the extra time and work required in order to get out of the door in the morning and the piles of house chores waiting when we're back from a long day of work, most probably exhausted... I thought of the tight schedule, the pressing deadlines, and the inability to take a quick nap when I need to.

The contemplation went on for one whole week and then I finally came to my "senses". I am so blessed to be able to make the choice of staying home and to have a husband who wholeheartedly supports our decision. I have an incredible opportunity already staying home with my daughter and to grow with her. Raising her is the best professional job there is and I just need to learn to be content being home and enjoy it (though it can be a real challenge sometimes...).

Now that I have found peace, my commitment to being a stay-at-home mom is renewed -- until the next temptation comes along!